I have that same dilemma when I am asked about Dave. The funny thing is that we have become so accustomed now of how he is doing that I forget other people have no clue how much he has progressed. Besides if I give the answer I would like to give (which would be the honest truth about how he is doing) I am either given a blank stare, or get the response of "Oh I am sorry!" then they look at me so sad. Please don't get me wrong, I am sure that I have given that response to people before and I am not trying to embarrass you if you have given that response to me or to someone else but you just need to prepare yourself for the answer you will be getting when you ask how someone is doing because the truth is not always comfortable.
So the question is, "How is Dave doing?" Here is my answer. He is still Dave but he is progressing with the Alzheimer's. I have no clue what stage he would be classified in because if you were to just sit and talk with him you would only notice that sometimes he forgets a word or has become pretty good at word substitution and if you are tuned in and really paying attention you will know what he is really trying to say, you will presume that he is still early stage and doing well. The reality is this, he has no clue most of the time where the bathroom, the kitchen, the bedroom or the laundry room are. He stands in the middle of the kitchen looking around because he can't remember that the trash can is where it has always been for the last 5 years or more. He has forgotten what you do in the shower...he knows about hygiene but he can't remember the steps it takes to get the showering done. He is unsteady on his feet sometimes and when he is tired he walks with deliberation because his brain can't always make the connection. He has forgotten how to end a prayer, he has forgotten my name on many occasions along with Gabriella's name. When he does remember Gabriella's name he is unable to pronounce all the syllables, so he asked her a week or so ago if he could call her "Gabby" because he can't pronounce her name. She said yes of course (she is not fond of the name so please do not call her that). He can't remember the cat's name, Sophia, and has a hard time pronouncing her name as well and can't get out the words, "kitty,kitty".
He was having nightmares and was fearful of going to sleep. I prayed and asked our prayer warriors to pray for Dave. I asked for Dave to have his mind filled with pleasant memories, for God to lay his healing hand on him and give him comfort. Praises to God because our prayers are answered. He is no longer having anxiety about going to sleep nor does he wake up already anxious because of the dreams he can't always remember. We give thanks to the Lord every night for giving us another day together.
We have hired someone to do our lawn care. This was bittersweet because it was one of Dave's favorite things to do but the last time we did the mowing he had a hard time recovering and we even took turns. I hate when I feel as though I have taken something away from him that is part of who he is, especially when I know he is not ready. We talked about it and I finally said that I would rather pay someone to do it and keep him safe and healthy then to continue to have him help me and end up tired and confused for days afterwards, he relented but I still felt horrible. I remind him that there are still plenty of yard things we can do but we just need to modify how it is done, now if only the weather would cooperate!
He continues to do the dishes! He sets the table but you have to tell him what is needed and sometimes you have to just give him the dishes because he can't remember where to find them.
I can no longer leave him alone which means I no longer attend church services. That is the most heartbreaking for me because without being spiritually fed and enjoying fellowship with other believers I can sometimes feel lost and lonely. But don't feel sad for us. I cherish every day we have together because I still have Dave. Although today was a challenge because I am extra tired from our trip to Kansas City for our family Memorial Day picnic. There are so many articles around telling you, as a caregiver, how to make traveling easy on the Alzheimer's patient but I think the trips are harder on the caregiver! I am just not sure I will do the trip again, it was exhausting! We are still out of sorts today and I am trying really hard to put us back on our routine.
So there you go! I have answered your question "How is Dave doing?" and saved us all an awkward, embarrassing moment. And if I can make a suggestion, the next time you see us out and about its okay to just say "Hey! Its good to see you!" then give us (please include Dave in your greeting because too many people ignore him and it hurts his feelings) a hug, wave or handshake and maybe say "well, i gotta go" or something to that affect. You do not realize how much it makes Dave happy to have someone acknowledge him and say hi when we are out and I am happy to not have to go through a litany of his progression. Of course if you have the time and really want to know how his progression is then ask how we are doing, really, we don't have a problem telling people how things are really going but just remember to be prepared.
Not every day is happy but not every day is sad either but we are always grateful for every day we have together!
Monica
