Wednesday, April 16, 2014

when will acceptance happen?

we are so happy that the weather has finally, hopefully turned to consistent warm, sunny days. this is dave's most favorite time of the year. this means days of yard work and sitting in the swing just enjoying the sunshine on our skin and watching the world around us. sunny days and warm temps makes for really good days. we have had a few good days even when the weather was too windy and we couldn't get yard work done.

i wish that i could bottle up whatever it is that makes for good days and then use it like air freshener whenever days are not going so well. despite the good days we have been having i have been so crabby and impatient. our days have been filled with outside chores and dave has been doing so well. he rakes and helps pick up twigs and left over walnuts in the yard. i have started mowing the grass and dave has maybe accepted the fact that he can longer push the mower and will sit on the patio and just watch. what in the world is causing me to be so crabby!? 

things have been going okay with dave. there is no denying that he is progressing. one minute he can accomplish small task, like walking into the kitchen and throwing away his trash and the next minute he has no clue where the kitchen is. when we are outside i have to watch what he is doing and make sure he is not going to wonder off only because he is so busy raking he doesn't notice he is no longer in the yard. when we come home from being out he sometimes starts walking to the neighbors thinking he is going to his own home. he doesn't always remember to flush and will toss his toilet paper in the trash instead of the stool but all of these things did not come as a surprise to me. with all the books i have read, and hearing what others are going through i knew these days would come and yet i get so impatient. 

there are still the everyday ordinary things that need to be done and i find myself unable to organize myself to get them done and still spend time with dave. bills need to be paid, personal care needs to be done, phone calls, meals the list goes on and on. part of my impatience stems from the constant disruptions. with dave's  inability to take himself to the bathroom, i am interrupted numerous times in the middle of doing those daily task. i never realized how many times a person can use the bathroom until i have had to assist him. there are some days showers are not completed until 2:00 in the afternoon and by the time they are done i am exhausted and on occasion still need to do errands for the day and fix lunch. for awhile i was able to get up in the mornings and take my shower and get coffee and breakfast and medications ready before dave was up but that has changed and he is getting up at the same time as i am which has thrown off my schedule.  

not only have i lost my patience on numerous times but dave has really become impatient and self centered. as long as i am giving all of my attention he is happy.  there have been a few occasions that gabriella stayed home with dave while i quickly ran an errand and she tells me that most of the time dave questions her about how long i have been gone and when am i coming home. this makes it hard for her when she is trying to get homework done and trying to occupy his time while i am gone puts her homework schedule late along with her evening routine. (which has had to change to accommodate dave's bedtime routine that constantly changes.)

i miss those early days, and i am not even talking about before the alzheimer's, i mean the early start of this journey. during those times dave was able to do so many things on his own and i didn't hesitate to leave him alone for a short period of time. he was still able to help himself with no problems. i read all the time that once you accept your loved one where they are at it all becomes so much easier and you have joy. well, how do you get that acceptance?  when in this journey do you look at your loved one and say to yourself, "you may not know me or know how to do things anymore but i accept who you are where you are." how do you forget about the old days and accept that your life is forever changed? 

to be so perfectly honest and open most days i struggle with this new dave and i wish for the old dave. even with some respite the majority of time i am with dave alone struggling to get as much done between disruptions as i can and dare i say i have resentment. i hate that there are times i am sure that i have hurt dave's feelings and made him feel inadequate. i hate myself on those days. acceptance is hard when every instant in your day changes. there is no even keel anymore, i mean every minute there is a change. there is nothing about this disease that he has caused and his personality changes are the result of the disease but i am having a hard time seeing the core of dave. without acceptance of who he is at this time i may not ever see his core being and that makes me so sad. i love him so much yet i am struggling with acceptance and struggle with resentment.  i would say that i will be praying about these feelings but honestly i have lost my ability to pray. i know god is still there because i do see the blessings all around me but i just can't seem to pray anymore. 

acceptance will make this disease more bearable but it alludes me. for dave's sake and for my sanity i need to find it. its not always the acceptance of who/where dave is at each moment but i have to accept that its okay if chores are not done and that box of stuff i need to go through will sit in the corner forever. i never used to worry about chores in the past but that was because i knew when push came to shove dave would help out but like everything else those days are gone. 

                                                           monica