Sunday, December 29, 2013

christmas

well we made it through christmas! i have to be honest and say that i am so happy that it is over! the days leading up to it were real downers! the weather was cold and cloudy and we had some precipitation which really affected dave's mood. thankfully on dec 23rd the sun was out and the temps were not too unbearable and dave's mood picked up!!! yay!! we finally were able to get some christmas shopping done..... from now on we will shop on-line (i hate shopping on-line because i like to pick things up, feel them and see if they are worth purchasing and you can't always do that with on-line stuff).

although thanksgiving has always been my most favorite holiday there are some parts of christmas i have always enjoyed....the baking,the decorating, and even buying gifts for everyone is fun. this year i was doing the bare minimum. if it wasn't for gabriella making sugar cookies and pretzel rollo bites and stephanie bringing some goodies herself we wouldn't have had any  christmas treats at all. the only decoration was on the front door and of course our rustic eclectic tree.


as i have said numerous times i am trying to keep get togethers very low key.  no fancy sit down christmas dinner for us. instead i made chili and soup. i was actually organized enough to make the chili ahead of time so on christmas day i only had to put it in the crock-pot to stay warm.

i was barely in the spirit. numerous times before the kids came dave was asking who was coming.  he commented the house would be "full".  was he anxious about the gathering or looking forward to it? i have no idea. i do know he was disappointed about some things and we had moments of sadness and tears,but i would redirect him and his mood would improve.

dave actually did well. he participated in some conversation, played with seeley and even said he needed to lay down for awhile when he became overly stimulated and needed a break. opening gifts was a little awkward. i am not sure he understood what was going on. the kids did well with the gifts they gave him.  he received sweat pants, or athletic pants that would be easy to use and becee made him a "fidget" blanket. it was great! the blanket contains items that dave can manipulate when he is feeling anxious. dave doesn't quite understand the concept but as time goes on i think he will get the idea.

christmas was a lot of work. trying to balance the low key atmosphere with the desire to still want to celebrate was too much for me. i am ready to just not celebrate any more. dave remembers enough to know that holiday time means family time and his mood is low because not all family members are here. he understands that some live too far but then he forgets and he will ask if his family will be coming. he is disappointed that not all the kids come and he cries. it is too much for me. trying to keep my sanity, keep the holiday atmosphere and keep dave's mood even is too much to handle.  he doesn't understand that too many people causes him difficulties and i feel like the bad guy to everyone when i have to budget the time and number of people who come and go. but i know the after effects dave goes through so i have to police the get togethers until others understand.

since christmas dave has done a lot of sleeping. we have had a couple of days of 40 degree weather with sunshine so we spent those days walking around the yard and sitting in the sunshine. we had several large branches break off the trees when we had an ice storm and i dragged them to the back of the yard while dave soaked up the sun.

we are almost back to our regular routine. i used to think it was boring doing the same thing everyday but after the holidays i admit there is something comforting in knowing exactly what is going to happen. i truly understand why routine is so important for the alzheimer's  person.







 
 monica

Friday, December 20, 2013

happy holidays ?

well the holiday season is upon us. i would like to say i was prepared and organized and excited, but i am none of those things. i know that everything in our lives has to be modified to accommodate dave,to make him feel part of the celebration yet keep it very low key to prevent an increase in his confusion and anxiety. 

dave & my brother-in-law manuel in 2012
last year we made the trip to kansas city and had fun helping with the preparations but we were just a little slower than the year before. on thanksgiving there was a house full at my sisters but it was so much fun!
 
this year we stayed home and although we had the traditional turkey dinner it consisted of the usual suspects, me, dave and gabriella.  thanksgiving has always been my most favorite holiday. there are no expectations or disappointments,its just food and family time! i thought i planned out the day perfectly, all the food came out deliciously, even dave helped by mashing the potatoes. despite the fact that i had a new pie recipe i wanted to try i bought premade pies for the convenience. matthew and becee and seeley were coming over later in the evening for dessert. low key, low expectations. what i wasn't prepared for - the downward turn dave took.

we were eating dinner and he kept looking at me and smiling, i was so happy that he was having a good time until i realized he had that blank look in his eyes. he was smiling and eating but had no clue what was going on. more specifically, he had no clue who i was. what was my clue? he took hold of my left hand and said "where did you get that?", pointing to my wedding ring. i said, "you gave it to me when we got married."  nothing.  i kept chatting with gabriella, kept eating, kept smiling and laughing all the while i was crying on the inside. my heart sunk lower than i could imagine. i wanted to run, hide and just ball my eyes out, but i was determined to make sure we had a good thanksgiving.

my most favorite holiday has just slipped away. no more to be celebrated. this year has turned out to be the last year we will celebrate thanksgiving. in my head i am screaming "its only been two years!" how quickly this journey we are on is traveling. i wish i could grab the reins and pull back and yell "whoa" but i can pull and yell all i want but that horse has a mind of its own and has taken off down the road at full speed.

i know some people are thinking i am exaggerating, being overly dramatic, but i am not. his memory of who i am has only come back a few times since thanksgiving. instead of going out for black friday like lots of people we were sitting in our pajamas, eyes red and swollen from all the crying looking at wedding pictures. i even found the video that was taken and we watched it but i couldn't tell if any of it was sinking in. later that evening he jumped up and said "my ring. i am missing my ring." (he has not worn a ring since he lost so much weight and it kept falling off.) wow! he came back! but it is short lived.

so now christmas is upon us. we have no tree this year. we have a metal garden tower wrapped with a lighted garland that sits in an old army footlocker. it is very eclectically rustic! it is the only christmas decoration we have. i am afraid to make too many changes. i am afraid of how dave will be. i am not alone in these feelings. there are numerous alzheimer's families that go through this every year and many opt to just not celebrate because any small disruption in the daily routine really causes havoc in the alzheimer's patient. think i am over doing it?

i am trying to make some changes in the alcove to make it easier for dave to find his coats and such but in order to do that i had to get rid of the piano. becee said she wanted it so off to their home it went. dave was here the day matthew and his friends came to move it, ever since dave has been thinking that people are taking our stuff. he thinks i am getting rid of things and leaving him.  it was a small change yet it has caused so much turmoil and anxiety in dave. to keep my sanity this will be the last year we will have christmas and the last year i will decorate. i know i still have kids and a grandson that i should live for but my first priority is dave.

he is my husband, he is the love of my life and no matter if he knows who i am or not i will love him fearlessly to the end.


monica

afterthought: thanksgiving and christmas are not dependent upon turkey & gravy or by a decorated tree so although i say we will not be celebrating the holidays i am saying there will be no decorating. thanksgiving is thanksgiving no matter what you cook, its whats
in our heart that matters, and christmas is the celebration of the birth of our saviour and does not necessitate a decorated tree.