happy holidays ?

well the holiday season is upon us. i would like to say i was prepared and organized and excited, but i am none of those things. i know that everything in our lives has to be modified to accommodate dave,to make him feel part of the celebration yet keep it very low key to prevent an increase in his confusion and anxiety. 

dave & my brother-in-law manuel in 2012

last year we made the trip to kansas city and had fun helping with the preparations but we were just a little slower than the year before. on thanksgiving there was a house full at my sisters but it was so much fun!
 
this year we stayed home and although we had the traditional turkey dinner it consisted of the usual suspects, me, dave and gabriella.  thanksgiving has always been my most favorite holiday. there are no expectations or disappointments,its just food and family time! i thought i planned out the day perfectly, all the food came out deliciously, even dave helped by mashing the potatoes. despite the fact that i had a new pie recipe i wanted to try i bought premade pies for the convenience. matthew and becee and seeley were coming over later in the evening for dessert. low key, low expectations. what i wasn't prepared for - the downward turn dave took.

we were eating dinner and he kept looking at me and smiling, i was so happy that he was having a good time until i realized he had that blank look in his eyes. he was smiling and eating but had no clue what was going on. more specifically, he had no clue who i was. what was my clue? he took hold of my left hand and said "where did you get that?", pointing to my wedding ring. i said, "you gave it to me when we got married."  nothing.  i kept chatting with gabriella, kept eating, kept smiling and laughing all the while i was crying on the inside. my heart sunk lower than i could imagine. i wanted to run, hide and just ball my eyes out, but i was determined to make sure we had a good thanksgiving.

my most favorite holiday has just slipped away. no more to be celebrated. this year has turned out to be the last year we will celebrate thanksgiving. in my head i am screaming "its only been two years!" how quickly this journey we are on is traveling. i wish i could grab the reins and pull back and yell "whoa" but i can pull and yell all i want but that horse has a mind of its own and has taken off down the road at full speed.

i know some people are thinking i am exaggerating, being overly dramatic, but i am not. his memory of who i am has only come back a few times since thanksgiving. instead of going out for black friday like lots of people we were sitting in our pajamas, eyes red and swollen from all the crying looking at wedding pictures. i even found the video that was taken and we watched it but i couldn't tell if any of it was sinking in. later that evening he jumped up and said "my ring. i am missing my ring." (he has not worn a ring since he lost so much weight and it kept falling off.) wow! he came back! but it is short lived.

so now christmas is upon us. we have no tree this year. we have a metal garden tower wrapped with a lighted garland that sits in an old army footlocker. it is very eclectically rustic! it is the only christmas decoration we have. i am afraid to make too many changes. i am afraid of how dave will be. i am not alone in these feelings. there are numerous alzheimer's families that go through this every year and many opt to just not celebrate because any small disruption in the daily routine really causes havoc in the alzheimer's patient. think i am over doing it?

i am trying to make some changes in the alcove to make it easier for dave to find his coats and such but in order to do that i had to get rid of the piano. becee said she wanted it so off to their home it went. dave was here the day matthew and his friends came to move it, ever since dave has been thinking that people are taking our stuff. he thinks i am getting rid of things and leaving him.  it was a small change yet it has caused so much turmoil and anxiety in dave. to keep my sanity this will be the last year we will have christmas and the last year i will decorate. i know i still have kids and a grandson that i should live for but my first priority is dave.

he is my husband, he is the love of my life and no matter if he knows who i am or not i will love him fearlessly to the end.

monica

afterthought: thanksgiving and christmas are not dependent upon turkey & gravy or by a decorated tree so although i say we will not be celebrating the holidays i am saying there will be no decorating. thanksgiving is thanksgiving no matter what you cook, its whats
in our heart that matters, and christmas is the celebration of the birth of our saviour and does not necessitate a decorated tree.