Tired, emotional and lost.

This has been a hard week.  Not only was there a time change this past weekend but also a change in Dave.  I am not sure why some days the progression of this disease is more evident than others.  Sometimes I am not sure if what I see is true or not and I am constantly asking Gabriella during the course of the evening if she notices the same things I do.  


For those of you who have been in our home you will understand my weariness when I say that I am very concerned because Dave lost his way to the laundry room. For others, our house is very small and its a straight shot from the living room to the kitchen then straight through to the laundry room.  There is no turning down a hallway or going down steps just straight through but he kept turning to go into the room we have deemed "the computer room" and would just stand there not sure what to do.  (As I have said in previous post, if Dave is interested in doing something he does it, anything that will keep his mind going and for him to feel that he is contributing to the upkeep of the house.) He didn't just do it once but a few times! Most of the time I find a gentle way to point him in the right direction but I was trying to get other things done and became frustrated. I didn't say anything hurtful, at least I don't think I did, but instead just came right out and said, "the laundry room is through the kitchen" and pointed to where he needed to go. I didn't have an "attitude" when I said it but said it in a flat tone. I was so tired that day but I know that is not an excuse.  

On another day we ran errands and picked up some much needed items at the store. Of course our Target store is rearranging itself to make room for the new produce section so I was just as lost as Dave. I am sure he felt a little bewildered because I am usually the leader and he follows but we were both lost! Anyway when we got home Dave wanted to shave (I think we had some place to be that evening) so he took his new razors into the bathroom then came right back out because he couldn't find the shaving cream. Of course it was in the spot it is always in but he forgot and then he couldn't find the new can we bought. It makes me sad to remember this.


On Sunday Dave was too tired to get up and go to church so he stayed home and Gabriella and I left. I figured he would sleep the entire time we were gone and was surprised to find him up when we got home.  To my dismay he looked terrible! He knew we had gone to church because I woke him up to tell him bye but he looked disoriented or confused. He said he had gotten up just a little before we got home and he tried turning on the tv but couldn't get it to work. He did turn it on but had changed the channel on the wrong remote and turned off the channel that we need the tv on to get the signal and he couldn't figure out how to turn it back so he turned the tv off and just sat on the couch waiting for us to get home. It was easily fixed but still it makes him frustrated with himself. 


What an emotional roller coaster we are on!  The worse part is that Dave knows when he forgets. He says its like a wave that ebbs and flows and he can't do anything to stop it. One thing I noticed when we were shopping was that his hands were really sweaty-I know, that sounds yukky. Dave and I used to hold hands all the time when we went places but when we shop we usually have a shopping cart so I don't usually hold his hand. That has changed and we are holding hands again but mainly so I can guide him through the store without it looking like I am guiding him. I asked if he was feeling okay because his hands were sweaty and he said he was okay, "I know they're sweaty but I don't know why. I don't think I am feeling anything!" Hmmm. Hope that doesn't mean he is losing the ability to identify what he is feeling. 

We spent the best part of the day on  Monday talking about these incidents and others and cried. He said he worries about me and my future and I worry about making life easier for him. I spend a lot of time trying to figure out ways to revamp our house to make things easy. We I have a lot of work to do!


You know that I have stated that I am trying to look for the joy in our journey because it is so easy to always focus on the down side. I don't want to end on such a sad note so I am going to list some things that I am so grateful Dave can continue to do.

1. We can still hold meaningful conversations, we continue to discuss things that need to be done around the house, family issues, and make simple plans.
2. We can still watch simple plotted movies together.
3. Dave continues to still pick out his own clothing. (I have stated that only because we recently had someone ask if he could still dress himself.)
4. He still gets enjoyment from working in the yard! He can continue to plan the gardening - it may end up being in containers but he can still do it!
5.  He knows my name and who I am!

The list can be longer but I don't want it to sound like I am talking about a child because I am not but I am talking about someone with Alzheimer's and things are more simplistic now and we find victory in every small step!

Monica