An emotional day.

Today has been one of those days, maybe its the change in the weather or maybe its the medication change or maybe its just the progression of the disease but whatever the cause its been just one of those days.  I was going to just write things down in my journal but decided to write things down here.

I have read that one of the changes or characteristics of someone with AD is how they become very emotional.  Well I can attest to that. I have seen Dave become so emotional over things that never bothered him before, tears well up in eyes and he looks sad.  Usually its no big deal if we are at home or even in the car because if he cries, he cries its only us around. Sometimes he gets this way in the middle of the store.  Today that happened and I couldn't help but feel sad too.  Dave always says "Don't feel sorry for me. Don't cry."  This just makes me more sad and I want to cry even more but in the middle of the store you learn to become distracted so you  both don't look foolish. What happens to those emotions? I think usually for Dave they pass because he can't remember what made him emotional, for me I sit up into the late hours of the night and cry.  Tonight I am crying, blogging and listening to one of my favorite videos, When I Call on Jesus by Nicole C.  Mullen.

We know there will be days like this and of course they seem worse when there is a weather change.  I also notice this more when Dave is tired and he seems tired all the time. With the increase in his medication he wakes up bright eyed but he said he fights the tiredness all day. He said its always just under the "surface".  I try to find things for us to do everyday to keep him from spending all day napping on the couch but I still need to take the time to complete household chores.  One of the reasons I feel so emotional tonight is because he lost the memory of his mom and dad. Of course on days like this Dave becomes melancholy and we talk about his progression.  He worries a lot about whats happening or going to happen, today it was about his appetite. We actually went out for a hamburger today and he talked about it like he had never tasted something that good before. Its a place we have gone to before so I just passed it off as him just being hungry so the conversation led to us being happy that his meds haven't taken away his appetite or that he hasn't progressed so much that he doesn't eat.  Then the conversation turned to his mom and dad and he said, "I don't know what happened. I had already left."  He forgot his parents moved to Missouri to be close to him and that they were here when they passed away.  It took me a minute then I said "Well, they were in a nursing home at the end so maybe you didn't realize." Then I saw the look on his face when he realized he had forgotten.   He forgot all those years that his parents were living so close to him. I wanted to cry for him but instead changed the subject and watched him get a far away look in his eyes.

Even now writing about this incident in the restaurant then again later in the store picking up his refills when he became emotional all I can do is cry.  I cry not just because Dave has forgotten but because I can't tell him anything about those times because that was before me. At some point those things from the years before me will be gone for good and I can't do anything to remind him. All I can think is how much I want the old Dave back. How much I miss the man I fell in love with and married.  Even with some changes that seem better with the medication change I can see him slipping away. Its slow and some days I don't notice at all and then there are days when you can't ignore it. I feel an urgency to record as many things as possible to keep him here with us, to keep him from being lost.

I know how important it is to be positive, look for the good, joyful times but some days I need to just look at all this straight in face and let the emotions go.  I cry, become angry and even have to admit how envious I am of others who can continue on their planned future and living the kind of life I had envisioned but has now been taken away. 

Tomorrow will be a new day and I know that God will take care of it all. I trust in Him and have faith. I know He is walking besides us and carries us when we can no longer walk on our own.

                                                       

                                                                 

 Monica