our new normal

after a very rough start i think dave is finally getting settled into his "new residence".  this part of the journey i had not planned on and continue to have doubts about the decisions i have made. i had promised dave that he would not be placed in a nursing home and i would do whatever i had to do to keep him home. i had no idea at the time the toll it would take on all of us. all the books i read, the blogs and support groups i became a part of always talked about just enjoying your moments with your loved one but i found myself not enjoying very many of those moments. i feel that the day to day issues of taking care of our home and keeping gabriella on track while she was in school and caring for dave left me so drained that i was not thinking clearly most times and caused unnecessary stress on dave.

if i had followed dave's lead we would not have gone through so much turmoil. at one point he had said "its time for me to live some place else."  instead of listening to him i was selfish and self-centered and thought it was about me and took it as him saying i was not taking good enough care of him when now i realize he knew times were going to get hard and that he did not want me going through it, he knew my life would need to go on and his life was going more inward and harder. dave had always been the leader of our home and i trusted in him and knew he always prayed about the decisions that needed to be made so why did i not trust him this time? maybe i thought it was because he could not articulate his prayers anymore or that i knew better but i truly believe it had more to do with not wanting to let go. i truly felt that the longer he stayed at home the longer we could keep alzheimer's at bay but the reality is he was progressing at a fast speed no matter where he was going to live.

sharing some freshly picked blue berries

    so now he is living elsewhere. i still have a hard time        accepting it and liking it but i guess they are doing okay with his care. i am blessed to have support from my care group and friends. i was going everyday to be with dave but now i have all of them taking days so i can now take some time for myself and gabriella.  now caring for dave is just actually enjoying my visits with him. at first it was hard because there were medication and sleep issues but now those have been addressed. hospice is caring for dave most times, not because he is going to pass soon but because he needs more one on one care that the nursing home is unable to provide. what a blessing hospice is!! they take care of so many things from medication issues to his personal care!  

an afternoon stroll on father's day

we still celebrate with dave.  father's day came and we had planned a visit with cupcakes and freshly picked blue berries and whatever else dave wanted to do.  we were happy that he wanted to be outside enjoying the sunshine and walking. he was alert and talkative and knew who we were. the aides all state how his eyes light up when i visit. makes me happy because even though he does not know my name he knows who i am. he feels loved and safe with me and he does remember all kinds of things we talk about especially the kids! its funny how he remembers certain things, on one visit he told gabriella "you don't talk much!" and he said it with a big smile on his face! he was still teasing her! it made her happy as well because he spoke clearly and his remark reminded her that he still knew her.

a mouth full of cupcake!

i had been told by numerous people that have been through the same process to expect dave to want to leave with me or "act out" when it was time for me to leave. what a blessing that i have not had that experience. only one time did dave tell me not to leave so i stayed with him. he was laying down for a nap and i did my best to lay my head on his chest until he said good-bye.  each visit ends with him saying "i love you!" with a big hug, i guess he knows he is better where he is at and not coming home with us. it makes me sad but it is our new normal.