Anniversaries

September 17th was the one year anniversary of the death of my dad. I was sad but I am not sure what I was sad about. There was so much turmoil that surrounded my dad's death and for me it was really just beginning.

I was more emotional than I really thought I would be.  The past few years have been crazy starting with all the trips I was taking due to my mom then after her passing the trips to see my dad and be there for family get togethers. Then his passing and all the family issues. Usually when I have days like today Dave always knew the things to say, or not to say, and I would find comfort in his hugs and words.  Today it was very different.

First this anniversary was for me the reminder that right after dad died this long journey that Dave and I are on started.  I had a couple of weeks of grief over my dad and all the other issues then BAM! it was all about Dave. Today was no exception. I realized that he has the inability to know how to comfort me. I know he wishes he knew but he has forgotten.

I read some place that a "good" caregiver is not selfish.  Not selfish? What exactly does that mean? Does that mean I give up or no longer acknowledge my needs? If so then I have a lot to learn! You see today I just wanted to wallow in my feelings and reflect on this past year.  I wanted to cry and not worry that I was not giving Dave what he needed or keeping up a "happy" face to keep him in a "good" place. People with Alzheimer's usually reflect what emotions are surrounding them so it is suggested that you keep your emotions in check. So what does a caregiver do when they are sad or tired? How realistic is it to expect a caregiver not to ever have any kind of emotion other than good ones? To make my day even worse, Dave was having a very emotional day himself and he complained about his back hurting.

My emotions were all over the place! Sad, angry, annoyed.  The day I should have been on my knees asking God to help me I couldn't do it.  I wanted to be left alone to wanting some comfort from someone, I needed a physical hug and there was no one to give it. All Dave could do was feel sorry for himself today and complain about is back and want me to take care of him.  Needless to say I was not in the mood to take care of anyone today.  Usually when Dave has emotional, feeling sorry for himself kind of days we would get some fresh air. We would go take a walk or at least just change our surroundings. Today I didn't want to go anywhere but I did. We drove to Wild Cat park for a walk.  This was also a time for us to talk about things that are on our minds but how do you talk and share with someone who has no clue what to say back.  I find myself sharing less and less of myself and it makes me sad and angry all at once.  Then Dave said, "These are new paths." WHAT!? There is only one path that we walk and it is the same as always! I hate this disease!



The next few months are filled with anniversaries of various kinds. Next month, Oct 7th is our 12th wedding anniversary.  I want us to take a little trip. I truly feel deep inside that this will be the last wedding anniversary Dave will remember.  October is also when we had our first doctor visit. Then some time between October and December Dave had all his testing then December will mark his one year anniversary of his diagnosis.

The next few months are going to once again be a roller coaster of emotions. All I can say is thank you to all the prayer warriors out there.  I know I can't get through these days without you!  Of course I know that it is God's comfort that will get me through.

 

Monica