2013 is over! does it make a difference? when i woke up this morning many of the same issues that we faced in 2013 are still there, so, why do we make such a big deal when the end of one year occurs and the new year begins? in my younger days i remember feeling that each new year would be special. i would set goals that would probably take an entire year to reach and would imagine the joyful feeling when it was accomplished. i saw the big picture i wanted to reach but never imagined all the little steps it took to get there. before life with all of its detours, roller coasters and devastation became my reality i saw nothing but wonderful possibilities!
so what happened? when did i stop noticing all the wonderful possibilities, the joy in life. well, life itself happened and being the human that i am i lost sight of all the wonderful, joyful moments that god has put before me. joyful moments? when dave continues to progress with his alzheimer's there can be joyful moments?
yes!
the joyful moments don't really have to be my joyful moments. someone else can experience the joy and i can be joyful with them! how many times did i miss that? probably too many times. but, i can tell of one time that i think about almost daily, almost every time i look at dave. i don't mean because i love him so it is because i remember that he told me one day that God speaks to him, he hears Christ talking to him! in all the chaos that he experiences every single day with alzheimer's he hears the voice of God in his ear! i can only imagine when i look at dave and i can sometimes see the blank look in his eyes, the confusion on his face, the determination to find his words that all that while God is speaking to him. is that why he is not frightened by the hallucinations he has because he feels the comfort of God with him, is God whispering to him that he is safe? when he looks at me and i can tell he has no clue who i am but yet i see no fear in him is it because God is speaking to him telling him do not fear for i am with you? i don't know, i can only hope so.
so, 2014 is here. how is this year going to be any different? dave will of course continue the downward spiral that is alzheimer's and i will continue to lose the love of my life and have moments or days of sadness,frustration, exhaustion, and anger. and i will even have times of envy and jealousy of others who can continue on the life journey they planned with their loved one. but, i will have moments of joy, pride and wonderment! this is the year that gabriella graduates and starts on her new journey of life!
when a new year starts it is the time mark everyone uses to set new goals/resolutions. its a time when we reflect on the past and make promises to ourselves that the new year will be better. it all sounds so clean and wonderful but of course we all chuckle a couple weeks into the year when we have "forgotten" about the resolution to lose weight, quit smoking, exercise more, learn to cook, be a better housekeeper, etc. what if we just follow the advise given in AA or NA...one day at a time!
each and every day is a new beginning. for me each and everyday is different, i have no clue what to expect with this alzheimer's journey except that there is usually a decline in some way, sometimes small and sometimes big. setting a goal to reach at the end of the year i am not sure i can do so i am setting a daily goal/resolution....find the joy. i believe that i stated some time at the beginning of this journey that i was going to find the joy in the situation but i am not sure i did a good job of that. so i am starting again and i think i have a plan to help me with that goal.
first, i have a jar that i will fill everyday with a piece of paper that i have written something that occurred that day that would be considered a joyful moment. i know there has to be joy in here some where, surely god would not have us going down this path without showing us his glory and joy, i just need to keep my heart open for those moments and capture them.
second, i am asking for you, to anyone who is still reading this blog to hold me accountable. if you are visiting us or see us out remind me or ask about a joyful moment. some days i know will be very hard and you may have to point out the moment and i will graciously try to see it too.
so there. my 2014 will for sure have lots of downer days but my plan is to look for joy instead. will you join me, will you help me get through this journey with joy?
monica
Monica, you are a true warrior, you are fighting for joy and by the grace of God you are
ReplyDeletefinding it. That is amazing to me. One of my all time favorite sayings is this "when you
feel you are at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on to Jesus!" I learned this at a
very difficult time in my life. I continually pray for you and Dave. You are such a precious
friend to me.
Love in Christ
JoBeth